Today President Obama ordered Guantanamo Bay Torture Center and Geneva Violation Facility shuttered and all prisoners turned over to a new center of Transnational Warrior Rehabilitation.
"The least I can do after these years of fruitless dithering," was his side comment as he signed the Order.
In a flurry of Executive Findings and Orders, the busy President commanded all troops out of Iraq within days and all US weapons out of Afghanistan within one month. "The peace prerogative of the president, the will of the commander-in-chief," was his note to the witnesses.
In a pleasant shock to humankind, he announced that the US would disarm, dismantle, destroy and dispose of all nuclear weapons within one year, or as quickly as those processes could be technically accomplished.
"Finally earned that old dusty Nobel I've got sitting on the mantle," he said with a wry smile.
Pakistanis were shocked into an apparent reversal of their public opinion showing that, until today, most citizens of that country regard the US as an enemy, when they heard that US leader Barack Obama had ordered the immediate cessation of all drone flights over their country, an end to all military aid to their corrupt ISI and military, and a dramatic increase in humanitarian aid to Pakistani nongovernmental nonviolent development groups. Radio and television polls in Pakistan, while nonscientific, seemed to reveal a sharp turnaround in public opinion as a direct and immediate result.
"The US is determined to make amends for decades of poor aid decisions that promote violence where we should be helping end the legacies of the colonial and imperial era," said the president as he issued his order.
In this most productive and sweeping set of presidential abrupt peace orders ever, the president ordered the Pentagon budget to serve true security in the following specific line items:
1. Shift all weapons monies to military base bioremediation for decades of pollution.
2. Close all bases located on any other nations' sovereign soil and use those savings to train 400,000 Americans in nonviolent de-escalation, interposition and intercultural conflict competencies.
3. Use remaining leftover funds to provide work, health and education benefits for all US veterans so that the social safety net for them is 100 percent effective.
"We will become a nation deeply admired and respected as the leader in the peace race," announced President Obama as he finished his historic day he called Hope and Change, Part One. He glanced at his wife and daughters who were beaming at him in the Oval Office. Michelle said, "We can't wait for Hope and Change, Part Two!"
Cheers on April Fools. Hey. Could happen. All we need is People Pressure One to make it so.