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Emotions can be thought of as layers, with the most escalated being the top layer that masks the other layers, which often include feeling disrespected, betrayed, fear, grief, and unloved.[1]
[1] Noll, Douglas E. (2017). De-escalate: How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less. Hillsboro, OR: Atria.
From William Ury's 2024 book, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict:
"I noticed my anger rising and I remembered a subtle self-regulation technique I had learned just a few months earlier from an Ecuadorian friend when I had been describing to him my work in contentious conflicts.
'William,' he had counseled me, 'next time you are in a tough place, try pinching the palm of your hand.'" (p. 42)
Ury wrote that, indeed, he was invited to help mediate some conflicts coming to a boil in Hugo Chavez's Venezuela in 2003 and faced an angry Chavez one late night meeting. The palm pinching helped him "go to the balcony," to observe and listen for emotional content rather than become defensive as Chavez ranted.
"One firm rule in getting someone deëscalated is, Never tell an escalated person to 'Calm down.' It never works. Never. Instead, it escalates them."
--Anthony Jackson, professional mediator and core trainer on the Portland Peace Team
Deëscalation works most effectively when a calming person understands proxemics (the dynamics of being proximal to another person) and the supportive stance, as explained by workers from the Crisis Prevention Institute.[1]
One way to deëscalate is to convince the escalated person that you are feeling empathy for them. To do that, it is helpful to think of their behavior, including affect, volume, and other observables as their emotional data field. As you gather that data you transform into an empathic listener.[1]
[1] Noll, Douglas E. (2017). De-escalate: How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less. Hillsboro, OR: Atria.
Learning to deescalate folks with mental health challenges is becoming an increasingly common and necessary bank of skills. Here is a 16-minute primer.
People who are escalated cannot hear or understand you until they are convinced that you hear and understand them.
Peace Team member Jennifer Tenorio helps us develop our deëscalation skills: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLFfeKv-L4Y
I imagine that I am but a conduit of conflict and escalation. It can all pass through me into Mother Earth, who can handle it all, enabling me to stay calm in any conflict storm.
--Pat Adams, long time peace team trainer
The CLARA method of deëscalation is the gold standard for unarmed civilian protection around the world. It stands for Calm and center, Listen, Affirm, Respond, and Add information.
Resources
https://www.boundlessloveproject.org/news/2020/9/24/the-clara-method-of-de-escalation
As one of the founders of the Portland Peace Team, and as someone who continues to practice and study deescalation as effective in strategic nonviolent campaigns, I will offer occasional tips for those who may also wish to deepen their knowledge of this key component of civil resistance. I also hope you'll add to that knowledge by posting your tips in Comments.
Vernal equinox 2024:
"Affect labeling:
Resources
Noll, Douglas E. (2017). De-escalate: How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less. Hillsboro, OR: Atria.
