Deëscalation tip #67: I think you're pathetic, ignorant, cruel, and wrong. That's why you should listen to me.

Yeah, when my comments to you make you feel like I'm slamming you and disrespecting you, the chances you'll be interested in what I have to offer are slim to none. When we teach deëscalation using the CLARA method (Calm, Listen, Affirm, Respond, Add information) we are using each step in that method to overcome the natural tendencies toward defensiveness built into the neural pathways of many, if not most people engaging in conflict. 

Calm and center ourselves first, preferably before entering the conflict as a party, as a mediator, or as someone merely trying to keep everyone safe. This self-talk can help us ward off the most ad hominem, negative, even hateful attacks on our character, our personality, even our identity. For many of us, our self-talk includes a promise to ourself that this calm, this grounded centered self is not something we will demand of ourselves in some permanent, inviolable fashion; we recognize that we are not saints, and that this idea of being unflappable is most easily achieved by making it a time-limited self-negotiation. As long as I'm in this interaction, I tell myself, I have no triggers, I am in touch with my Inner Buddha, my Inner Perfect Sanguine Self. I can revert to my irascible old hockey coach self later. But even I can achieve perfection for short bursts, and I'm committed to a short period of unshakable beatific behavior.