You need to understand! No: Help me understand

Good problem-solving starts with good listening. Good listening, say Stone, Patton & Heen (2023), begins with authenticity and honest inquiry, but there are times when circumstances are so overwhelming that a statement of concern should precede a question. If I am too flooded to listen until I express how triggered I am, the other party will regard my inquiry as disguised accusation. 

Announcing my state of mind sets the conversation in real territory, not the feeling that I'm engaged in some weird performative kabuki. Being real about my emotional supercharge allows the other party to see it, feel it, and proceed accordingly. If my internal flare up isn't acknowledged, a tone of superficial game-playing is set and our dialog will ring falsely. 

However, if I'm not able to then transition into compassionate curiosity, perhaps it's not a time to proceed, but instead announce the need for a pause. Being genuine is more conducive to progress than retreat into an obvious veneer of roleplaying techniques. 

As soon as I am ready to really want to learn why, to understand the trauma or triggers that have produced the behavior that pushes me over the edge, I can in all honesty begin to ask and the other party can in all honesty begin to answer. Then we are on our way to mutual understanding, if not agreement. 

Asking is most frequently more effective if I can truthfully let the other party feel an authentic invitation: Help me understand.

References

Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce; Heen, Sheila (2023). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most, 3rd ed. New York, NY: Penguin.