Deëscalation tip #34

 Learning about both the theory and practice of adaptive conflict transformation can help us become smarter and more effective conflict workers--but only if we are seriously honest with ourselves. 

·       Do I talk over others in my eagerness to win arguments?

·       Do I assume the fundamental attribution error (my mistakes are excusable and due to circumstances; the mistakes of others are due to their flawed nature)?

·       Am I compassionate or judgmental?

·       Do I avoid conflict at all costs?

·       Am I a doormat, submissive and compliant even when I feel I am allowing someone to dominate me?

·       Am I dismissive of the hurt someone else might feel?

All these questions and more, informed by the scholars and practitioners who have proven concepts and techniques, can help us overcome the weaknesses that hold us back from increasing success in managing conflict. Honest self-assessment and self-talk are how we learn, no matter how slowly, to best manage the inevitable conflict coming our way. 

Practicing the listening necessary to effective deëscalation is improved by our rigorous self-awareness and willingness to move out of our comfort zone.

Deëscalation tip #33

Creating new neural pathways can change our "natural" responses. 

Meeting an escalated person's unreasonable demands, accusations, and hostility with respectful listening may feel quite unnatural, even as our default reactions might be internally escalated and burning to meet aggression with aggression. The focus on deëscalation, as unnatural as it may feel, can help us overcome that default wiring. 

But only by practice can we slowly make that new neural pathway as well used and ultimately more easily taken than the old reactionary pathway. This is how we incrementally develop a new natural response, a new default pathway to manage escalated behavior--ours and theirs. We can speed up that adaptive process by much more practice. 

Deëscalation tip #32

Be aware of the fundamental negative attribution error, which is our human tendency to assume that anything we don't appreciate about another person is due to their character flaws, while anything we do that might not be right or good is due to unfortunate circumstances. No excuses for The Other; always an excuse for ourselves. Knowing that this is a natural human mistake can help us activate more compassion and less judgmentalism, which is so key to deëscalation. 

Deëscalation tip #31

Don't interrupt. Be sensitive to what the escalated person feels is interruption. Interrupting can be interpreted as disrespectful, or as an attempt by you to dominate or dismiss their urgent concerns. If you are nodding to express understanding, monitor how your responses, even your nonverbals, are being received and interpreted: 

• Smiling is generally good, but alter your expression if it seems like your smile is being interpreted as mocking.
• Nodding is generally good, but alter it somehow if it seems like it's being interpreted as an effort to get them to hurry up and finish so you can respond. 
• Empathic eye contact is good, but alter it if it seems like it's being interpreted as a challenge.

Your own self-talk should include a reminder that you want to indicate that you are listening to understand, not to judge or rebut. Every scenario is unique; the deëscalation tradecraft is both conceptual and pro forma template. You are unique. Your escalated person is unique. The context is unique. Therefore, unlike some exact unchangeable practices, perhaps like CPR, deëscalation is more of a conceptually-informed art and you, therefore, take the concepts and the techniques and use them in creating your own situational art. You are the artist.

Deëscalation tip #30

Work in teams. If you are already operating with at least one other, great. If not, try to recruit. Do not hesitate to be assertive with bystanders. "Please don't interfere, my friend." "If you can, please find a drink of water for him." "Kindly show compassion and lower your voice, please." "Let's put a hold on the debate for a minute, please, and see if we can make progress together." "There's time to discuss the fine points a bit later, once we can all hear each other." "Understood. Can we put a pin in that and focus on emotional care for a minute?

Create a team on the fly if necessary. Do not fear leadership, just stress humility as you engage assertively. 

Deëscalation tip #29

Leslie Gregory, Portland Peace Team member/trainer and water safety expert: 

Use the same precautionary principle as learning to lifeguard: Approach deëscalation as you would a water rescue: Do not create two victims. Stay safe even as you help another back to safety. 

Deëscalation tip #28

No judgment, much empathy. A person who is escalated often feels shamed or disrespected. Seeming judgmental can heighten that sense of feeling violated and dismissed. Inquiring with empathy does not equal agreement or support of destructive action. Instead, it simply shows a willingness to hear the reasoning behind the reactions of the escalated person.