Stop saying "Trust me", "Calm down," and "To be honest"

Some common expressions may help smooth disagreements and some may frequently introduce the opposite effect. 

When someone is agitated, the best way to make them escalate is to tell them, "Calm down." It usually seems to be received as an attempt to control without any knowledge of the reason the other is agitated. It can exacerbate a somewhat dysregulated state of mind in the person who is disrupted and trigger the amygdala hijack, that is, a loss of a degree of the reasoning, logical, executive functioning pre-frontal cortex. 

Another common expression that can backfire is "To be honest." The other person may hear that as, "I'm only honest at times, and this is one of those times," hardly helping to build trust.

Which brings us to another ill-advised expression, "Trust me." It may be received as a command to have faith based on little or no data offered. People frequently like to come to a conclusion about who to trust on their own, not on being told to do so.

How does this fit into an analysis of principled negotiation? 

Researchers into the methods of negotiation used by food producers and their retail customers show that trust improves the outcomes of those negotiations, tending to produce more win-win results (Rahmoune, Alsagaf, Abdeltawab, Azhari & Hofaidhllaoui, 2023). This may tend to also result in a positive feedback loop: more win-win outcomes produce more trust which produces more win-win results, and so forth.

Small edits to some of the expressions can reduce or eliminate the backfire. For instance, "Please, in this regard, trust me," or, "To be real," or "To be frank," can substitute with better effect for the simple "Trust me," or, "To be honest." 

"Calm down" needs much more than a small revision. It needs a deëscalation approach, which starts with active listening and can eventually produce the calm being sought, not demanded.

Reference

Rahmoune, M., Alsagaf, M., Abdeltawab, A. M., Azhari, A., & Hofaidhllaoui, M. (2023). Influence of Benevolence and Credibility on Conduct of Integrative Negotiation Behaviours. Marketing & Management of Innovations / Marketing ì Menedžment Ìnnovacìj, 14(1), 213–223. https://doi-org.proxy.lib.pdx.edu/10.21272/mmi.2023.1-18