Deëscalation tip #22

Experiencing emotional outbursts from others is disconcerting for most of us. We tend to wonder a couple of things: 1) What did I do to deserve this and does this person hate me? and 2) How can I fix this, either by showing my empathy and figuring out how to fix it or by responding with my own outburst, thus establishing either dominance or such discomfort that the person won't do this again?

Conflict experts Bill Ury and Roger Fisher really try to help us understand that being the calm one is how the other person might tend to also become calm. Regarding an emotional outburst as a signal that the person is feeling radically misunderstood or completely unheard can help us self-regulate into the sort of probing response that can not only serve to deëscalate another but it can help us in our search to identify the other's interests. The emotional outburst is often a restatement of position, opening it to a logical question, "Okay, understood, and help me learn more about why you feel strongly about this." You are acknowledging the strong feeling, not agreeing with it, and in fact, since you seek an explanation, you show you are not buying the position, but since you ask, perhaps you could, if you get a logical, reasonable explanation. This helps the person feel heard, something so emotionally necessary that productive conflict management cannot continue without that minimal element. 

By showing genuine curiosity you also refrain from presenting yourself as The Fixer, which may be offered with excellent intentions but is often received as, "Now they think they can control me, even though they clearly don't understand what the hell I've been trying to say."

Reference

Fisher, Roger and William Ury (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In (3rd ed.). NYC: Penguin.