Dialog across difference #37: You do you

One fatal flaw in how intercultural communications can tank is acting more culturally literate than I actually am. When I was 17 years old I went through a "whigger" phase, a term with multiple horrible connotations, and with no positive outcomes. When a white person acts black with no legitimate basis, that pejorative term is meant to scorn that inauthentic appropriation. 

It took a fellow young person--a black co-worker in a restaurant in Chicago--to straighten me out. He did it in a good way, kindly, with an open question, giving me a chance to learn. 

After one pithy attempt to "talk black" by me, he just said, "I gotta ask, are you colored?" This was in 1968, when many black people from the poorest parts of the South Side of Chicago were still using that term, whereas I was pretty political (or tryna be), so I was using the most recent permutation of the language, Afro-American. 

"No," I said. "I live in the South Side Christian Center down on 36th and Michigan. I'm the only white boy." 

He laughed. "OK, go'head then. But you are overstepping it, you need to know this." 

He educated me in that moment about cross-cultural fluency and posing as knowing more and being more than I really knew and really was. I was not raised in poverty in the South Side of Chicago, but rather in a middle-class community in Minneapolis. Yes, I was re-inventing myself, but I was also way ahead of my skis, applying an unearned veneer to my attempt to create an image of someone other than who I genuinely was. 

The consequences to me were really all positive. My co-worker compassionately inquired and then gave helpful assessing advice. But when the stakes are much higher, consequences can be daunting. 

For instance, say digital campaigners,[1] Hillary Clinton made a significant blooper in her 2016 campaign, attempting to show off her familiarity with youth culture: 

"In an appearance on the Ellen Show, Clinton called the American people to join her at the polls in November, and made a flailing reference to Pokémon Go, the then-trending phone app.

The segment was clipped and strewn all over the internet. While some were laughing along with Clinton, many more were laughing at her."

As the famous lawyer advice goes, "Never ask a question in court to which you don't already know the answer." Similarly, never make cultural references that are far beyond your actual knowledge unless you simply phrase it as an invitation to help you learn more. "Can you explain this cultural reference to me please? I need help understanding it." Give the power to educate you to someone who will almost always take that as a real invitation made with respect, and give you respect in return. 

This is different than ham-handedly asking a black person, "How do black people feel about this?" It's also different from asking for a long disquisition--which many in historically marginalized cultures regard as a labor equity issue and have increasing answered with curt advice like, "There are many good books that can help you understand." 

A sincere and respectful request for a quick explanation or even a request for direction to some source will usually be met with a grace matching the grace with which you approach it.

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[1] https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4819006-harris-campaign-digital-strategy/?email=f095a04aedd6a52ac7779d3e647a3b2a757ce9f8&emaila=9f521d891617441ceb56f3fc880b25b2&emailb=de76389448a696aa2d0188108371634618a621c0e1cc0c69693020dd5d8001f1&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=08.10.24%20SP%20tipsheet