Set the table

Every conflict transformation authority says it in some fashion: if you fail to invite all the stakeholders to meetings you will more likely fail in your project because you convince the neglected parties that you don't respect them or you intend to deceive them. 

What?! You do not disrespect them! You have no intention of deceiving them! Why would they jump to either or both of those erroneous conclusions?

Say it: Human Nature. If Mom gives your brother a big grilled cheese and only gives you a half, or a small one, you feel left out and you will often wail until you are treated better, but that may just as easily lead to you being punished or treated even worse. This can set up some lifetime issues, especially when you begin to socialize outside the family and a couple other children ignore you and clearly just want to play together without you. Hateful!

Yes, there are those who are either extraordinarily well adjusted or who have been trained not to jump to ill-informed conclusions, but most days they feel like the minority. 

If you are part of a planning group, double check with your colleagues. Who needs to be in the loop? Who needs a voice in the deliberations as we make our group decisions? Make sure you've really given this full consideration.

So what if someone mistakenly feels disrespected or left out? Why is that your problem?

From business deals to neighborhood initiatives to peace accords to any number of decision-making processes, those who feel scorned can become spoilers--the ones who manage to halt all forward motion. They might do so in any number of ways and, by the time they do, you may not understand that all you had to do was include them from the beginning and they would have been just one voice in the negotiated goals of the group, rather than the one who felt humiliated and whose blood was up seeking to inflict hurt in return. 

Bill Ury writes about the various "tables" that stakeholders should be at. One is the general table of parties who may ultimately be affected by whatever project we devise, but the other, earlier table is the internal parties as we contemplate what sort of possible project we wish to launch.