Dialog across difference #11: Here's how it felt, so how did you mean it?

Scholars from the Harvard Negotiation Project counsel us to just ignore insults and assume good intentions--not.

No. If someone says something that hurts, they advise, "speak to the impact, inquire about their intentions" (Stone, Patton & Heen, 2023, p. 70).

If you fail to use I messages to describe how the statement hit you and hurt you, the other person may remain untouched, either believing they have done no harm or that they can do so unchallenged. Neither of those outcomes are helpful. 

Speaking to the impact lets them know, either in a way that surprises them--What?--or challenges their willingness to hurt you with impunity. 

Then, when you seamlessly and sincerely inquire about their intentions, it gives them a chance to respond without the burden of defensiveness. 

Of course, when you announce that their words or actions caused you pain, it may help to open the door to allow them to proclaim no intent to harm you at all. 

If your relationship is healthy, you have given them a chance to logically and genuinely ask, in turn, how they can avoid hurting you in the future rather than shoving them so hard they often cannot help but respond in a dysfunctional defensive retort, sending your conversation into relationally dangerous territory. 

You: OK, I'm betting you didn't intend to cause me pain, but you just did.

Them: No, of course I didn't mean harm. In fact, I thought I was doing you a favor. Is there some way I could communicate better to give you the actual evaluative message without causing you pain?

When that harm occurs, I try (and if I hope for best results, remember) to use Bill Ury's advice. Go to the balcony. Pause, self-observe, self-assess, try out most adaptive responses in your mind. 

Then, once you are centered, speak to the impact, inquire about their intentions.

Don't I wish I had that 100 percent default response? We can get closer and closer by practice.

Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce; Heen, Sheila (2023). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most, 3rd ed. New York, NY: Penguin.