Dialog across difference #16: From culture war to culture peace

On the application of principled negotiation to a cross-cultural conflict, I am comforted by the cross-cultural work done by Fisher and Ury in particular.* Fisher was a diplomat, working with leaders from around the world, but Ury not only does that, he is by discipline an anthropologist, deeply immersed in knowledge and practice of many cultures around the world. 

Part of the key in understanding cross-cultural conflict work is to take into account the cultural tendencies of all parties but to also understand universal factors. 

For example, a universal factor is that humans almost always require respect. The cross-cultural aspect is then, "How does this culture generally show and receive respect?" It may be by praise that seems odd to someone from another culture, or it may be by seeking out individual discussions--what mediators call a caucus.

It certainly helps when all parties are reassured somehow about intentions and a humility that acknowledges cultural lack of knowledge. For instance, "I want you to know that I never mean any disrespect and I'm grateful for your advice in that regard." Finding ways to remind all parties that your skills are never perfect but your goal is always to preserve everyone's dignity can go further in some cases than trying to show expertise in someone else's cultural practices. 

I ran into this in Italy once when my asthma kicked in badly (this was back in the bad old days when all coffeeshops were thick with smoke and streets were choking with diesel fumes). I practiced my phrases and went into a drugstore and ripped out a really good request in Italian. The pharmacist answered in Italian, probably in a tempo that any native Italian could understand, and my expression of utter confusion was underscored by me reaching into my man-purse for my phrase book. The pharmacist instantly took pity on me and switched to English. He smiled at my efforts and was very kind. I've found this from culture to culture--pretty much everyone appreciates a good try when obviously done with respect for them and their cultural practices. 

This is not to say it is ever necessary to violate your own cultural or personal principles, but you may need to explain them. For instance, I've been a vegetarian for 55 years, all my adult life. I've learned there are ways to make that acceptable to just about anyone in any cultural setting. I've done a fair bit of work with various tribes on issues and have been at many meals. I've learned that one cannot come across as demanding, nor can one appear to be regarding others' practices as subpar philosophically. I've never been demanding nor smug, but I've learned that one can appear to be those ways without any intention to be. So, I will simply make a humble request along the lines of, "My religious beliefs do not permit any meat. Can you help me choose the food that works for that? I'm very grateful for your help." I don't explain my religion, since virtually everyone respects religious beliefs that don't seem arrogant. I don't name my religion since even doing so can appear as if my religion is superior. I leave it at that and virtually all folks--including those who prepared the food with great care and love--are gracious about that. 

In sum, cross-cultural conflict work is complex, but even for those without deep knowledge of others' cultures, it's made much more possible when prefaced by and buttressed by a show of respect, including a humble self-respect.

*Fisher, Roger, & Ury, William (2011). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. (3^rd ed.). New York, NY: Penguin.