Deëscalation tip #56: Can we read the signs?

 What about deëscalating social conflict, on a scale of group-to-group?

In contemplating social conflict, or intergroup conflict, identity is a key component. 

For example, research into social/intergroup conflict notes that we are developing a high context around identity expression and identity performance, described in this peer-reviewed journal article: 

Lüders, A., Quayle, M., Maher, P., Bliuc, A., & MacCarron, P. (2024). Researching Attitude–Identity Dynamics to Understand Social Conflict and Change. European Journal of Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.3022

Conflict workers try to keep up with the high context of certain words, semiotics, and other signals of identity that can escalate or deëscalate conflict. So, for example, in April 2024, I "toured" the encampment by the Portland State University library a couple of times before the actual invasion/occupation, and the eventual trashing of the library was easy to predict just by the aggregate of signals given off, such as: 

·       spraypainted messages on the masonry and windows

·       masks concealing identities of individuals

·       signs ordering others to not take photos of anyone's face (even though they wore bandanas over their faces)

·       zero greeting, zero invitation, only general hostility and impassive affects

·       accumulation of trash, pallets, tarps, and general street camp identity markers, clearly a takeover of space formerly public

I've been part of, and a student of, social conflict for many decades, so I can read all this and be able to see at least likely directions and outcomes. Those who specialize in labor struggles can do the same in their assessments of the identity expressions in those conflicts. Every intergroup conflict falls into one or more categories that are affected by identity and the context of identity performance. Some relate to class, or to ethnicity, or ideological positioning, or other group identity components. The signals may be somewhat esoteric (Go Brandon!) or they may be more widely recognizable (MAGA). 

In social conflict, culture is often generally classified by its elements, though broad classifications can flip or reverse situationally. 

For example, the US is generally thought of as a low context culture, one in which more detailed explanations are required because we are so pluralistic. Some cultures are regarded as high context, where even a gesture can indicate volumes of information. The closer a culture is to an island culture--few outside influences, little pluralism--the more the tendency toward high context. This is, of course, harder in the Internet era, but can also help us understand the autocratic efforts to limit that, such as the Great Firewall of China or the North Korean version of cultural, identity, and viewpoint exclusion. 

Aspects of identity are key to understanding and either escalating or deëscalating social conflict. 

Deëscalation tip #55

Left to our own casual devices, human-to-human responses tend to obey the laws of inertia. If I am escalating, your human senses are perceiving possible threat and you can naturally escalate. We build on each other's behavior, sometimes with dire consequences.

But with intention and even minimal skills, you can meet my escalation with calm and compassionate curiosity, making it harder and harder for me to maintain my rise in anger. 

The neurobiology of conflict helps explain this, as neuroscientists describe how our brains have evolved to almost constantly seek to identify both threats and rewards.

So when I escalate you must overcome your own escalatory response, one that might well happen normally because you now perceive me as a threat. But with your intention to deëscalate, and some rudimentary competencies, you can neutralize your own amygdala hijack and keep your brain operating in the prefrontal cortex, consciously meeting my escalating behaviors with your disciplined calm. 

When you engage your compassionate curiosity, my brain begins to pick up a potential reward instead of a compounded threat. It may be tentative at first, but you are working through your sympathetic gestures and reflective listening to convince me that you are actually interested in what is bugging me so much. 

Someone wants to listen to me? Yeah, that's a reward I wasn't expecting at this point, but if you can continue to convince me, I will gladly switch out my fear of threat for my appreciation of reward. My own prefrontal cortex can take control from my amygdala. You have reversed the direction of the inertia and my deëscalation is now following yours.

Thanks, I needed that. 

Deëscalation tip #54

It's not up for debate.

If you can help reduce escalation toward harm when you and your group are going to be involved in any public event, one of the key pieces of advice, if not instruction, is Do not argue with those with whom you disagree. 

Indeed, this is a key admonition issued nationally by Indivisible, an organization focused not on proving how radical it is, but rather on actually achieving good outcomes in our democracy. They say to their many chapters across the US: 

"Avoid engaging in conversation or any verbal exchange with aggressive, hostile individuals. Participants should be encouraged, if in an uncomfortable situation, to create physical distance, and notify event organizers."

This is not only a way to pre-deëscalate a great deal of potentially harmful escalatory interchanges, it is a great way to avoid wasting time and energy on activities that tend to achieve nothing. This is shown by paying attention to what we know about the Spectrum of Allies. 

When we can do an action, or send a respectful but assertive message, that is pointed at those who support the cause but are not really active, it can help move them closer to actual engagement, even as it nudges those who are neutral a bit closer to agreeing with us, at the same time it might assist in changing the positions of those who disagree closer to neutral, and, hopefully, helping to deactivate those who disagree with us. In other words, targeting your message toward a much broader swath of the populace can inch everyone a bit closer to you even as it defangs the most rabid opponents. Calling others in rather than calling them out can attract without alienating.

But debating them in the street or any other public environment tends to have the opposite effect of simply causing them to solidify their opposition to pretty much all you say. Plus, it can escalate them toward possible harm, compounding the ineffectiveness of arguing with the most vocal, excited, or even enraged opponents. 

But if arguing with them is not advised, how can we engage in debate that can illuminate the facts, the arguments, and the evidence? 

Clearly, it's not working in the spotlights of the political arena, which is looking increasingly like a pack of jackasses bent on braying and kicking rather than achieving much. 

This has given rise to initiatives like Braver Angels, citizen-to-citizen civil discourse efforts to be able to dialog across difference. If it seems nearly impossible to engage in helpful public conversations based on disagreeing without being disagreeable, people are figuring out how to do so with ground rules that keep it civil and that strive toward seeking to reduce fear and loathing of each other even as important topics are aired. 

Returning to an ability to actually converse, even about difficult topics, without escalating toward harm, is going to be crucial if we wish to save our democracy. The values of deëscalation are enormous in many ways.

Deëscalation tip #53

Why?

Why would you call me that?

Why are you insisting that my friend doesn't "belong" here?

Why are you upset?

To deëscalate, you seek to identify the interests below the positions. The classic simple example of deëscalation by doing this is the story of the busy Mom and two scrapping daughters, yelling at each other in the kitchen with one orange in a bowl. 

Busy Mom grabs the orange, whacks it in two, gives a half to each child, and is off to her next task. Girls still give each other the stinkeye as they take their half. Their next conflict isn't far off.

The position of each daughter was that she wanted the orange. 

If Mom had the time, she could have inquired about those positions. 

"Why do you want the orange, Taneesha?"

"To get the juice, Mommy." 

"Why do you want the orange, Beryl?"

"To grate the peel into a cake recipe, Mommy." 

Now busy Mom has investigated and found out the relative interests of the girls. She can resolve this by giving the entire peel to Beryl and all the juice to Taneesha. Each child gets everything she wanted. Classic win-win.

If Dad would help out more, perhaps busy Mom would have the time to teach Taneesha and Beryl to engage in this process themselves, to become skilled at principled negotiation. Instead, busy Mom has to act as arbitrator (whack the orange in half) or mediator (investigate to determine interests and seek win-win outcome). She brings in the elements of principled negotiation but doesn't have the time to do the ultimate labor-saving act, that of education so that the next potential conflict between Taneesha and Beryl might be processed successfully by them, with their new skills.

If the school system would fold principled negotiation into education with the same priority it gives history or math, perhaps our society wouldn't be chock-full of folks who manage conflict poorly, escalate easily, set new records for gun violence, divorce at high rates, and send more people to prison than any other country, and spend more on the military preparing to kill than any country on Earth ever has. Perhaps.

Just sayin'... deëscalation starts with education, in the home, in the schools. Otherwise, we play Whack-an-Orange forever and it more frequently escalates to Whack-Each-Other.

Deëscalation tip #52

Find a group to provide unarmed nonviolent public safety for your event or a group to provide trainings via listings on Princeton University's Bridging Divides Initiative. 

Deëscalation tip #51

Not everyone is on a peace team, nor trained in to be. When activists find themselves in a place where conflict is escalating in unhealthy ways, even rudimentary training can help to calm the waters. While the gold standard deëscalation is CLARA, thoughtful groups have their own version to disseminate, including this one: 

"BREATHE 

Breathe. Ground. Notice your sources of support.

Remember The Humanity of All

Empathy Before Education

Ask First - Is the other person ready to hear your perspective? A is also for Authentic expression

BreaTHE. Debrief with Support"

Deëscalation tip #50

It was long ago--2004--and the Republican National Convention was in New York City. A student of mine, a young indigenous woman, wanted to go and to write about it. She was raised as an indigenous radical--her father was part of the occupation of Alcatraz way back in the day. 

I made her a press pass for The Oregon Peaceworker, a newspaper for which I was Associate Editor. I laminated it and wished her best of luck. 

She did two amazing deëscalation actions in the course of the days in New York. 

The first was at Central Park. Demonstrators were massing up against the police barricades. Cops were massing on the other side. My student--and writer on assignment--started a chant, grinning at everyone around her: Give the cops a raise! Give the cops a raise! She told me later, "It totally broke the tension, everyone relaxed, and no one got beaten or arrested."

The second was at Madison Square Garden, the site of the actual convention, and the Republicans from around the country were packed in there, with a growing mass of protesters surrounding the building. She saw police snipers on the roof. Someone had brought reflective pieces of paper to spell out messages. By this time she was seen as the Idea Woman and she argued that for the benefit of the snipers the message should point up first, not forward, and the message should be one simple word: PEACE. Others agreed, and they pointed the message up for a few minutes and then toward the police massed at the entrance. Again, she later told me, no one got shot, beaten, although there were a few arrests, just folks who stepped past the wooden barricades.

Conflict can be creative and constructive or destructive, depending on our approaches and responses. My student taught me how to deëscalate an entire mass of police--I will never forget her lesson for her professor.

Deëscalation tip #49

We are all palimpsests. 

A palimpsest is a piece of writing on paper or other material (stone, wood) where the original writing is effaced, but traces remain. We can overwrite our own brains, even though the original settings still exist, but are less often or eventually never used. 

What if I have a long history of responding to conflict negatively, with anger, with a quick retort, and even with threats? How can someone like me ever learn to deëscalate?

Brain science is showing through many studies that we can do this, as noted by the National Library of Medicine:

"Neuroplasticity in the brain plays out on a variety of levels. The most fundamental version has been recognized for half a century, and concerns synapses, the connections by which one neuron communicates with another. Excitation in one neuron (an 'action potential') is not guaranteed to similarly excite the next neuron in line, and repeated stimulation of a particular synapse leads it to be 'strengthened,' which is to say that excitation in one neuron is now more likely to be propagated to the next in line. This potentiation of such pre-existing synapses has long been viewed as one of the fundamental ways by which learning occurs."

And so our challenge is to learn and practice more adaptive responses to conflict and practice them until we change our "natural" responses, being aware that reversion to old negative habits can occur when we have not sufficiently practiced the new and improved methods. 

When we fail, our job is not to quit, but to get back to more consciously and persistently overwriting our old less-functional settings. 

Deëscalation tip #48

 What if you are threatened with a weapon?

The Crisis Prevention Institute says: 

"If the person senses that you're losing control, their behavior will most likely escalate. So keep the following tips in mind until professional assistance arrives:

• Take threats seriously. If anyone communicates any possibility of using a weapon against you, assume that they have one even if you can't see it or verify it immediately.
• Step back. Try to negotiate permission to take at least three steps away from the individual. If allowed, the increased distance can reduce both anxiety and weapon accuracy.
• Avoid reaching for the weapon. Attempting to disarm a person with a weapon can be extremely dangerous.
• Focus on the individual rather than the weapon. When threatened, we tend to focus on the weapon. Shifting your focus to the individual will remind you that the real danger is not in the weapon itself, but in the aggressor's behavior.
• Negotiate. Make basic requests to solicit affirmative responses. The more the aggressor says "yes" to you, the less likely the weapon is to be used against you.
• Buy time. Time is an asset. The longer you can talk to an aggressive individual, the less likely it is that the weapon will be used."

Perhaps most important of all, remember that any previous interactions will play a critical role in the outcome of an incident involving a weapon. Not all gun violence involves people who know each other. And no one can guarantee that if you treat people well they will never attempt to use a weapon against you. But if you consistently interact with people in a considerate and respectful manner, you are less likely to become a target of violence.

Deëscalation tip #47

It was at the Portland Oregon building permit and records building, but it was the City Council taking testimony on some issues. We had been invited to provide a peace presence.

She was yelling and she clambered over the railing and onto a beam. I made a beeline for her. She came back, still yelling at the uniformed security guards. She sat down for a second, still loudly proclaiming that she had a right to smudge. First two, then three security guards hovered over her. I stepped in-between, in front of her and looked at her. 

"I like your earrings," I said, "and especially your brim." She was identifying as Native American and I wanted to acknowledge that. 

She glanced at me, apparently prepared to take it as sarcasm, as a veiled racial insult. 

"Thanks," she said, quietly. 

She got up and bolted. Another fellow was darting around. I refocused, on him. Eventually, one floor down, I caught up to her. By this time, four security guards were in a half-circle around her, but she was more or less deëscalated. 

That was because Anthony, another member of our Portland Peace Team, was with her. Anthony is a professional conflict transformation specialist, both in mediation and ombuds roles, and has been for approximately 20 years. Anthony was telling her how he had visited both Canada and Alaska and had found the dominant cultures there much more respectful of inherent Native rights. 

We clearly had the advantage when it came to deëscalating because our methods were not in line with official policies. We could take the time, whereas armed security were instructed far more to focus on establishing dominance and moving it quickly to close-out. We stayed with her for as long as it took, and it took relatively little time because we showed what Kwame Christian calls compassionate curiosity. She and I made eye contact and she started to cry. She had been yelling. We tag-teamed some compassion and some listening and it hit her and moved her. 

When you see a dysfunctional failed deëscalation, you may be the one to get it right. 

Deëscalation tip #46

Deëscalation at a dog park?

Here is where I turn to others without any personal expertise. I am not a dog owner and my nonviolence has been working well on humans, but dogs? I am not the dog whisperer.

Here is part of what some dog experts say: 

"Don't use your body; use aversive tools.
You should always bring emergency tools to the dog park, just in case. They will prevent injury to both dogs and people. People are known to get severe and damaging bites by trying to break up dog fights with their hands and bodies, as the dog may not realize they are biting a human, and may not inhibit their bites as they normally would if they feel they’re being attacked, or think they are biting another dog. Dogs have protective coats, whereas humans just have skin, so the same bite can be much more damaging to a person than another dog. ​

Try tools in the following order: clapping, using a strong voice (not yelling), water/spray bottles, insert chairs or boards or other furniture, spray with a hose or dump a bucket of water, citronella spray, or set off an air horn in the faces of the fighting dogs."

OK, I confess: I laughed to myself when I thought of using the same methods with scrapping humans. Bucket brigade! Deploy citronella! Pass the lawn furniture! Clap everyone! Where's my air horn?

Deëscalation tip #45

 "Meet animosity with curiosity." 

"Taking a couple of long deep breaths--in and out--helps calm the nervous system. Breathing decreases the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, in our bodies and lowers our heart rate and blood pressure. In short, breathing can change our state of mind."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Bill Ury, 2024, p. 60

Deëscalation tip #44

Paying attention to deëscalation in key moments of rising conflict can literally be a matter of life and death. I was just an expert witness on it in a civil case and helped convince a jury of 12 regular folks that police, in particular, have a high bar in this regard, by law and by good sense. 

The case involved an unfortunately familiar 911 call, dispatch of emergency workers, and mental health crisis conflict exacerbated by use of meth. 

One officer on the scene was primary, or contact officer. He was young, and was following best practices, establishing a rapport with the fellow--who had himself called 911 for help--but the second officer, a big man, fingered his weapon and then just bulled in and started barking commands. The fellow, who had been sitting down as requested by the first officer, stood up and pulled out a screwdriver and the cop shot him dead.

The jury got to see that footage. It didn't take much to convince them of the obvious, that one cop's work to deëscalate was ruined permanently by another's failure. That shooting might have generated no big notice years ago, but deëscalation efforts are expected now, sometimes by law. And while this shooter was cleared criminally by a grand jury, the bar is different in a civil case. Instead of "beyond a reasonable doubt," it's "preponderance of the evidence," in other words, was the plaintiff's case made so that a jury felt convinced that at least 51 percent of the case was made?

We convinced the jury and they awarded a $million. Deëscalation counts. https://www.oregonlive.com/crime/2024/05/jury-awards-1m-to-family-of-suicidal-man-fatally-shot-by-portland-police-in-2021.html

Deëscalation tip #43

 More on bystander intervention: 

• Distract everyone in whatever fashion comes to mind.
• Delegate--suggest to another that they do something to assist.
• Document--but only as an ancillary tactic after you determine someone is doing something directly.
• Delay--if you miss the chance to intervene, at least comfort the targeted person afterward.
• Direct--if you are confident in doing so, confront the harasser and strongly request that they stop. This is the riskiest and after you say something briefly, turn your attention to the targeted person to ask what they need, as opposed to getting into an argument with the abuser.

Note: there are many YouTube vids on bystander intervention that are not particularly helpful, and can place the intervenor in serious danger. Use caution in following such advice.

Deëscalation tip #42

When operating with a peace team, meeting aggression is sometimes best managed by surrounding the target of the aggression, often completely ignoring the attacker. Facing the targeted person without coming off as saviors, but rather just as friends, is often most adaptive. Asking the targeted person what might make them feel the best is often the best approach, unless they are so overwhelmed they can't offer much coherence. There are many comments and questions in the moment, including but not limited to: 

• Hi friend, how are you?
• Hi, can we help? 
• Would you like us to walk away with you?
• If you like, we can stay with you until you feel safe.
• We are not meaning to interfere if you prefer we walk away. 

If there has literally been a physical assault, do not repeat NOT call 911 unless the person specifically asks for that or agrees with it. Perfectly innocent people have deeper fear of armed agents of the state than they do of random aggressors. 

Obviously, if a person has been grievously wounded or if there are gunshots, everything changes. A 911 call is directed specifically by 911 operators and dispatchers. Some will not result in armed agents responding and some will. 

For instance, if someone is being verbally abused and it precipitates a heart attack, and you legitimately call 911 for the heart attack, you may or may not wish to not mention the verbal aggression that seemed to trigger it. This is highly situational. It's one reason we on our team say that we teach a standard method used by deëscalation experts around the world, but in the real world of the streets it's an art and each person becomes a unique artist.

Deëscalation tip #41

Should police waste time trying to de people on drugs? When 911 calls are so frequent, should police waste time trying to deëscalate people who claim to be suicidal?

Well, maybe. It sure would have saved the life of one 40-year-old fellow in my town. A bullish cop rushed in, started issuing commands, and the person having a mental health issue was overwhelmed, lost his ability to think straight, and stood up to confront the cop, who then shot him dead.

I testified in court as a deëscalation expert and critiqued the police officer's approach. The jury agreed and awarded more than a $million to the family of the shot guy.

The same police force in my town, on at least a couple of occasions this year, took hours to eventually deëscalate someone intent on suicide. Was it better to "waste" time instead of wasting a life? 

There are no guarantees with deëscalation except a guarantee that a person committed to it will not be adding to the level of violence and loss in the world.

Deëscalation tip #40

We can easily find a great deal of advice for police on how they should deëscalate, but where is the advice on how we can deëscalate the police? When they go bonkers they hurt people with a great deal of "qualified immunity" to pad them, legally, so they have little or no "window of exposure." 

On the Portland Peace Team, we deëscalate police at demonstrations by thanking them for not hurting protesters, or resisters. We remind them that they are doing well in public opinion and will continue to do so if they don't hurt people. If protestes start chanting inadvisable messages such as "All cops are bastards! All cops are bastards!" we apologize and thank them for their ability to see the trauma behind such chants. 

Will it always work? HTTFN (Hell To The F__k No). Almost nothing always works. But when it does, what if we "only" save one young one from getting smashed by a police baton? What if we "only" save one young Black woman from getting beaten or pepper sprayed? For some of us, that is worth it.

Deëscalation tip #39

 Can entire nations be deëscalated?

Yes, but the key is to understand both the limits and transformative possibilities of leadership. Wait! you say...isn't our evolving culture supposed to do away with leadership so that everyone is free and equal?

No. Not if you wish to move ahead with the transformations we need out of destructive conflict into constructive conflict. As trainer and nonviolence author Rivera Sun terms it, we need "leaderful" movements.

The key is what sort of leaders? In the field of conflict transformation we note that if someone benefits financially, in status, or in power from the eruption or continuation of destructive conflict, they are part of the conflict industry and should never be in leadership positions. 

When the "champion" of an identity group or nation refuses to meet with anyone from the "enemy," and successfully portrays that as being the fighting leader needed, that person is a dysfunctional leader if the desire is more peace, more progress, less destruction. 

Choosing a leader or group of leaders who are trying for transformation instead of power, status, or wealth, is the track toward deëscalation of destructive conflict and that can scale up or down, from a small group to a nation. 

Deëscalation tip #38

What about deëscalating children? One expert notes that strategies are somewhat different as the child ages up from toddler to pre-teen to teen. Our expressions and tone are as important as actual words. When we are calm in the face of rager kids, and when we exude empathy in a screaming environment, our deëscalation is quicker, easier, and may even stretch out the times between meltdowns.

Deëscalation tip #37

Deëscalation possibilities can be improved if it seems practical to invite the escalated party to a more private setting. This is not always situationally doable--e.g., you are in the midst of a crowd of thousands and no path to privacy is in sight--nor is it always advisable--e.g., you are personally targeted and credibly threatened by a person clearly capable of violence. But when it is more readily available, a quieter environment without distractions or an audience can begin to achieve a less escalated status for your escalated person. This is part of the art of deëscalation, to account for unique scenarios, threat levels, and capacities.

Deëscalation tip #36

 Peace teams of unarmed, nonviolent peaceworkers have a very good track record of violence reduction and deëscalation, even in hot conflict zones. In the US, our "mother ship" is the Meta Peace Team, based in Michigan. They have worked around the world and have helped create dozens of new peace teams elsewhere. They offer special trainings--either in Michigan or they will travel to do peace team trainings elsewhere. https://www.metapeaceteam.org/

Deëscalation tip #35

When corkers (bike riders tasked with halting traffic while an event passes an intersection) are out trying to keep riders, marchers, walkers, or activists safe at intersections, they can practice deëscalation--or at the very least avoid escalating drivers who are inconvenienced by the corkers temporarily blocking the intersection. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_2zlKRxutE

Deëscalation tip #34

 Learning about both the theory and practice of adaptive conflict transformation can help us become smarter and more effective conflict workers--but only if we are seriously honest with ourselves. 

·       Do I talk over others in my eagerness to win arguments?

·       Do I assume the fundamental attribution error (my mistakes are excusable and due to circumstances; the mistakes of others are due to their flawed nature)?

·       Am I compassionate or judgmental?

·       Do I avoid conflict at all costs?

·       Am I a doormat, submissive and compliant even when I feel I am allowing someone to dominate me?

·       Am I dismissive of the hurt someone else might feel?

All these questions and more, informed by the scholars and practitioners who have proven concepts and techniques, can help us overcome the weaknesses that hold us back from increasing success in managing conflict. Honest self-assessment and self-talk are how we learn, no matter how slowly, to best manage the inevitable conflict coming our way. 

Practicing the listening necessary to effective deëscalation is improved by our rigorous self-awareness and willingness to move out of our comfort zone.

Deëscalation tip #33

Creating new neural pathways can change our "natural" responses. 

Meeting an escalated person's unreasonable demands, accusations, and hostility with respectful listening may feel quite unnatural, even as our default reactions might be internally escalated and burning to meet aggression with aggression. The focus on deëscalation, as unnatural as it may feel, can help us overcome that default wiring. 

But only by practice can we slowly make that new neural pathway as well used and ultimately more easily taken than the old reactionary pathway. This is how we incrementally develop a new natural response, a new default pathway to manage escalated behavior--ours and theirs. We can speed up that adaptive process by much more practice. 

Deëscalation tip #32

Be aware of the fundamental negative attribution error, which is our human tendency to assume that anything we don't appreciate about another person is due to their character flaws, while anything we do that might not be right or good is due to unfortunate circumstances. No excuses for The Other; always an excuse for ourselves. Knowing that this is a natural human mistake can help us activate more compassion and less judgmentalism, which is so key to deëscalation. 

Deëscalation tip #31

Don't interrupt. Be sensitive to what the escalated person feels is interruption. Interrupting can be interpreted as disrespectful, or as an attempt by you to dominate or dismiss their urgent concerns. If you are nodding to express understanding, monitor how your responses, even your nonverbals, are being received and interpreted: 

• Smiling is generally good, but alter your expression if it seems like your smile is being interpreted as mocking.
• Nodding is generally good, but alter it somehow if it seems like it's being interpreted as an effort to get them to hurry up and finish so you can respond. 
• Empathic eye contact is good, but alter it if it seems like it's being interpreted as a challenge.

Your own self-talk should include a reminder that you want to indicate that you are listening to understand, not to judge or rebut. Every scenario is unique; the deëscalation tradecraft is both conceptual and pro forma template. You are unique. Your escalated person is unique. The context is unique. Therefore, unlike some exact unchangeable practices, perhaps like CPR, deëscalation is more of a conceptually-informed art and you, therefore, take the concepts and the techniques and use them in creating your own situational art. You are the artist.

Deëscalation tip #30

Work in teams. If you are already operating with at least one other, great. If not, try to recruit. Do not hesitate to be assertive with bystanders. "Please don't interfere, my friend." "If you can, please find a drink of water for him." "Kindly show compassion and lower your voice, please." "Let's put a hold on the debate for a minute, please, and see if we can make progress together." "There's time to discuss the fine points a bit later, once we can all hear each other." "Understood. Can we put a pin in that and focus on emotional care for a minute?

Create a team on the fly if necessary. Do not fear leadership, just stress humility as you engage assertively. 

Deëscalation tip #29

Leslie Gregory, Portland Peace Team member/trainer and water safety expert: 

Use the same precautionary principle as learning to lifeguard: Approach deëscalation as you would a water rescue: Do not create two victims. Stay safe even as you help another back to safety. 

Deëscalation tip #28

No judgment, much empathy. A person who is escalated often feels shamed or disrespected. Seeming judgmental can heighten that sense of feeling violated and dismissed. Inquiring with empathy does not equal agreement or support of destructive action. Instead, it simply shows a willingness to hear the reasoning behind the reactions of the escalated person.

Deëscalation tip #27: Braver Angels

More and more, many who work to deëscalate conflict are proposing ways to "predeëscalate." How do we change the conditions so that escalation is less frequent, or less intense? How do we anticipate the possible escalatory situations and get ahead of that dangerous curve? Initiating community conversations can help, especially if the invitation to do so includes groundrules that comfort others who are wary and weary of biting, bitter exhanges. This sort of work is happening intentionally now, with organizations such as Braver Angels, a network of local groups devoted to community well being through depolarizing dialog. 

We can do this. We can get our culture back. We can return to disagreement without being disagreeable. It takes involvement by good-hearted, sincere people determined to overcome the dangerous allure of hate and objectification. 

Deëscalation tip #26

When an escalated individual is in a crowded space, one person should attempt to deëscalate while another clears an exit path for the person. If a person suddenly decides "enough!" and turns to leave, only to be blocked by the crowd, that is a situation that can lead straight back to escalated emotions and actions. 

That is sometimes when you can see a weapon appear as the person boomerangs from the tentative deëscalated state back to even more elevated escalatory behaviors. A line of sight to the exit (the door or a far less crowded area) is the job of the second member of a peace team--whether that's an official peace team or a simple ad hoc momentary collaboration. 

We were taught this by the late Genny Nelson, founder of Sisters of the Road Cafe, a place for street people to eat a cheap nourishing meal, and a place frequently extremely crowded. Genny reminds me of the best eulogy I've ever read--that of Philip Noel-Baker made for Gandhi: "His greatest achievements are yet to come." Genny changed street culture in Portland and she planted the seeds of nonviolence that can still sprout and flourish. 

Deëscalation tip #25

Don't make the escalated person feel ganged up on. One person at a time should be in contact with the escalated individual. One other may be there, silent, looking unimposing, looking interested but quiet, a bit further away. Surrounding an escalated person, even with silent members, can escalate the person. With enough such surrounded attention, the lone escalated person may lose ratioanal abilities, even without any spoken content. This can lead to irrational action, fatal under some unfortunate circumstances. 

Deëscalation tip #24

Be aware of your body language if you hope to deëscalate someone. Avoid direct facing, try not to stand with arms folded in a domineer fashion across your chest, keep hands open and visible, and even try to avoid sunglasses or any other appearance of stealth, dominance, or imperiousness. Smile gently. Look like you are listening.

Deëscalation tip #23

Deëscalation experts remind us to be aware of the "amygdala hijack," that is, the sudden dominance of the most primitive part of our brain when we feel suddenly threatened. It perhaps allows us to instantly avoid a mortal threat, such as an obviously enraged man suddenly lunging at us with a knife, but it can also shut down our prefrontal cortex, the portion of our brain most recently evolved into a logical, complex analytical human executive area. When we evade and avoid that amygdala hijack we can help others do the same. As always, deëscalating anyone else is accomplished by first deëscalating ourselves.

Deëscalation tip #22

Experiencing emotional outbursts from others is disconcerting for most of us. We tend to wonder a couple of things: 1) What did I do to deserve this and does this person hate me? and 2) How can I fix this, either by showing my empathy and figuring out how to fix it or by responding with my own outburst, thus establishing either dominance or such discomfort that the person won't do this again?

Conflict experts Bill Ury and Roger Fisher really try to help us understand that being the calm one is how the other person might tend to also become calm. Regarding an emotional outburst as a signal that the person is feeling radically misunderstood or completely unheard can help us self-regulate into the sort of probing response that can not only serve to deëscalate another but it can help us in our search to identify the other's interests. The emotional outburst is often a restatement of position, opening it to a logical question, "Okay, understood, and help me learn more about why you feel strongly about this." You are acknowledging the strong feeling, not agreeing with it, and in fact, since you seek an explanation, you show you are not buying the position, but since you ask, perhaps you could, if you get a logical, reasonable explanation. This helps the person feel heard, something so emotionally necessary that productive conflict management cannot continue without that minimal element. 

By showing genuine curiosity you also refrain from presenting yourself as The Fixer, which may be offered with excellent intentions but is often received as, "Now they think they can control me, even though they clearly don't understand what the hell I've been trying to say."

Reference

Fisher, Roger and William Ury (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In (3rd ed.). NYC: Penguin. 

Deëscalation tip #21

 Listen with humility. When you are actively listening, you are paraphrasing without assumptions. For instance, "Thanks for helping me understand your thinking. Correct me if I'm wrong. What I hear you saying is..."

Deëscalation tip #20

 Some 30 years ago, Neil Katz and Kevin McNulty wrote about one sort of listening that can be used to deëscalate: 

"Reflective listening is a special type of listening that involves paying respectful attention to the content and feeling expressed in another persons’ communication. Reflective listening is hearing and understanding, and then letting the other know that he or she is being heard and understood. It requires responding actively to another while keeping your attention focused completely on the speaker. In reflective listening, you do not offer your perspective by carefully keep the focus on the other’s need or problem. Thus reflective listening consists of a step beyond what is normally thought of as listening:

1. Hearing and understanding what the other person is communicating through words and 'body language' to the best of your ability.

2. Responding to the other person by reflecting the thoughts and feelings you heard in his or her words, tone of voice, body posture, and gestures."

Deëscalation tip #19

Listening with what Kwame Christian calls compassionate curiosity is a path to deëscalation.

Deëscalation tip #18

How can police get trained to manage escalated people more effectively? Does deëscalation training even help?

Doing or saying things that would tend to derail a maladaptive train of thought should be a tool in the mental belt of any officer. Failure to use that tool is a failure of either police training or police utilization of training. Research is increasingly bearing that out: 

·       Researchers examined 130 police interactions coded for a person in a mental health crisis and found the rates of the use of threats and physical compliance methods leading to injury and death of the subjects were far higher than when supportive police methods were used, e.g., reassurance, sympathy, empathy (Blais & LeClerc, 2023). 

·       Similarly, Engel, et al. (2022), in an empirical study on the Louisville KY police before and after receiving deëscalation training, found that, "Using a stepped‐wedge randomized controlled trial research design, the panel regression results demonstrated statistically significant reductions in use of force incidents (−28.1%), citizen injuries (−26.3%), and officer injuries (−36.0%) in the post‐training period" (p. 199). 

·       Again, Criminologist Li Sian Goh (2021) found a 40 percent reduction in "serious" force use in Camden, New Jersey police overall following de-escalation training, though noting that the findings may not be typical due to several unique situational factors.

References

Blais, E., & Leclerc, B. (2023). A Script Analysis of Successful Police Interventions Involving Individuals in Crisis. Canadian Journal of Criminology & Criminal Justice, 65(3), 92–125. https://doi-org.proxy.lib.pdx.edu/10.3138/cjccj-2023-0018

Engel, R. S., Corsaro, N., Isaza, G. T., & McManus, H. D. (2022). Assessing the impact of de‐escalation training on police behavior: Reducing police use of force in the Louisville, KY Metro Police Department. Criminology & Public Policy, 21(2), 199–233. https://doi.org/10.1111/1745-9133.12574

Goh, L. S. (2021). Did de‐escalation successfully reduce serious use of force in Camden County, New Jersey? A synthetic control analysis of force outcomes. Criminology & Public Policy, 20(2), 207–241. https://doi.org/10.1111/1745-9133.12536

Deëscalation tip #17

 Two things that have no place in deëscalation: debate and argument.

Deëscalation first, then civil discussion, including argument and debate. If the discussion is already civil, no need for deëscalation.

Deëscalation tip #16

 Police are beginning to learn their own version of deëscalation with verbal judo, deëscalation for armed officers. This differs from unarmed deëscalation, but it is certainly a welcome direction. 

Deëscalation tip #15

 Offered on the 55th anniversary of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

MLK wrote a letter from Birmingham City Jail in April of 1963, just five years before he was taken from us. That Letter from Birmingham Jail remains canonical in American literature and it contains many lessons for activists today.

King explains the sequence of any campaign: 

"In any nonviolent campaign there are four basic steps: 1) collection of the facts to determine whether injustices are alive; 2) negotiation; 3) self-purification; and 4) direct action."

Note that step 3, self-purification, is what comes immediately before step 4, direct action. My interpretation of step 3 is the preparation internally, both individually and collectively, necessary to maintain nonviolent discipline in the face of any insult, harm, or provocation. King's sequence is battle-tested and the groundtruthing of its efficacy was proven in struggle after struggle in the Civil Rights Movement. 

The role of the peacemaker in social justice direct action is to call everyone to that state of being that King advises, the self-purification in preparation for hot conflict and chaos. I believe MLK would approve of the deëscalation necessary to allow the campaign to escalate, one of the great ironies of successful campaigns. Indeed, the rigorous training developed by Rev. James Lawson that was crucial to the success of campaign after campaign was all about that ability to deëscalate oneself and remain in that state with great discipline. 

Dr. King, we miss you. 

Deëscalation tip #14

 William Ury notes in his new book, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict, that we have "an innate power available to each of us: to pause with intention and calmly choose the next step" (p. 51).

Deëscalation tip #13

Practice the techniques of deëscalation enough times and they become new neural pathways, new increasingly natural default responses, overcoming old default conflict reactions we were taught by family, friends, and media. This happens easily with some whose conditioning is relatively light, but for most of us it takes a great deal of practice and focus to solidify deëscalation as the strongest, dominant, mental muscle memory.