Dialog across difference #33: No pain, no gain

"Many of us prefer to avoid short-term pain, even if it means greater pain down the road" (Stone, Patton & Heen, 2023, p. 160).

While this is not a call to seek immediate pain, the authors of Difficult Conversations do advise making those calculations as far as it's possible in real time. If you are in a difficult conversation, how much unfair play do you permit before beginning to mention it, even though you know that the other person may well scoff and escalate?

How you bring it up matters. If you call it out you will likely engender instant defensiveness, which can have consequences that range from unwelcome distraction to abrupt termination of the conflict conversation.

If you call them in, it will still involve some immediate pain--no one particularly appreciates being notified that they are engaging in activities that are unfair or annoying--but asking a simple question that can evoke some sympathy mixed in with that minor irritation at being challenged can work to help reduce or eliminate the offending behavior (interrupting, belittling, minimizing, labeling, etc.) without much risk of a blow up.

On the other hand, if you bring up a bad practice in a good way and it does precipitate an explosive response, there is a strong chance you can legitimately tell yourself and them that this is obviously not the time for this conversation and perhaps it can resume at a later point when emotions are not so flared. That might save you a great deal of time and energy, even though an improved and transformed solution has eluded you for the time being. That is part of conflict reality at times. 

References

Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce; Heen, Sheila (2023). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most, 3rd ed. New York, NY: Penguin.