Deëscalation tip #58: OMG--do you know how scary you are?

I was in a gathering at a Catholic Worker house--a community get-together that only the CWs have--impoverished Workers, impoverished street people, local radical progressives, a smattering of more well off liberal supporters of the Worker. 

I was a naturalized community member, partner to one of the founders of one of the houses, living there part-time and volunteering a fair number of hours every week, plus very involved in the political actions with the CW community and other activists. This was some 30 years ago. 

One former guest was a big man, used to being an alpha male in the street, but the CW vibe cut through all that when folks were guests. For example, I've watched a 5'2" gray-haired CW woman evict a husband in the moment when she determined the man was abusing his common-law wife. There is much more of a deep respect for the CW community members amongst street people--all based on relational aspects that the CW philosophy rests on, such as empathy, justice, a rejection of structural violence, shared poverty, provision of a safe environment, and honest unpaid service.

So this former guest, Rick, had not been living in any of the CW houses for more than a year, but kept coming around for various community gatherings. At this one, he brought his alpha-male-of-the-street status with him, so I sort of hung near him a bit. 

Sure enough, a smaller guy, about my size, also part of the street culture in that town, became Rick's target. Rick knew better than to raise his voice or make explicit bodily harm threats inside a CW house, but he towered over this smaller guy and made one or two somewhat mocking comments, followed by a "suggestion" that the smaller guy might be more comfortable in the next room. The smaller guy silently nodded and scurried away. 

"Hey, Rick," I said quietly, moving over next to him, "do you have any idea how intimidating you are?"

Rick looked at me, processing this. 

I continued, "You are a big guy. I am not sure you know how scary you can be to smaller folks." 

Rick clearly felt appreciated for his ability to dominate (goal met!), but also went along with my "analysis," and said, "Yeah, I gotta watch that. Good point." 

"Good man," I said, "Peace." 

"Peace," said Rick, giving me a knowing nod. Instead of working against Rick, I basically enlisted him to help maintain the CW vibe, so we were working together. He deëscalated, essentially claiming a different sort of leadership status which I supported and openly appreciated.

When I told this story to a former student of mine who had worked in a bar, and who was a tiny woman, she laughed and said, "Oh, absolutely. When a bad boy threatened somebody I could always intervene and deëscalate by coming right up to the aggressor, giving him a big smile and a hair flip and telling him he was such a badass but he needed to dial it way down, pretty please. Worked every time." 

This sort of deëscalation is boutique in that it is highly situational, drawing from special understandings in unique situations. The only generalizable concept is that it is, as are so many other nonviolent techniques, based in some way on psychological jiu jitsu, using the aggressive energy of the dominator to help himself deëscalate. If you can manage that, it is a magic moment.