Deëscalation tip #60: Sheila Heen on Kwame Christian's podcast

 Deëscalation communication--it's both truly simple and profoundly complex. 

In previous posts we've covered much of the simple, the CLARA method in particular. 

We've also dealt with some of the most complex, such as that practiced by Unarmed Civilian Protection teams.

There are many opportunities to avoid escalation in-between. 

In one of Kwame Christian's Negotiate Anything podcasts, Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project discusses the escalation and time/energy wasting around conflict and blame. 

Heen advises resetting the focus and frame on problem-solving/avoiding for the future rather than sussing out and assigning blame. She advises owning whatever share of the problem one might have, even if it's a tiny share based on inability to foresee or silence while others made errors that produced the conflict.

She doesn't advise ignoring it or accepting undue blame, but rather responding to such assertions with care to save everyone's face. 

For instance, you own your part in the conflict and the other party says something like Glad you can own it, as if you are now the sole incompetent. Rather than flashing back in anger and pointing to the other person's portion (maybe most) of the problem that created the conflict, a wise conflict manager will say something like, Sure, and my concern is that I see no chance I can manage this alone. I will need your collaboration if we hope to avoid this problem, and this conflict, in the future. We clearly each have our part to play.

Keep seizing the narrative every time someone tries to turn it toward blame. Shift it to best plans for the future. Each time you reset away from blame and toward positive plans you have achieved another deëscalation. Congratulations on being the better leader.