Dialog across difference #3: Messaging or learning?

Entering a difficult conversation--whether between you and your spouse or between representatives from several disputing nation-states--is greatly facilitated when you adapt what Harvard Negotiation Project veterans (Stone, Patton & Heen, 2023) call a learning posture instead of a message delivery stance. 

This doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of times when a message delivery stance is quite important and appropriate. That, in fact, seems quite natural in the concept of leadership in many, if not most, cultures. 

But to show up ready to listen and learn is often seen as only appropriate for the party that is power-down, the outranked and inferior person or group. For many, that is the first ego-hurdle to overcome. Let. It. Go.

At times, it's helpful to announce that. 

• I'm here to learn. 
• We are a learning community. 
• Please help me learn. 
• My role here is to learn, not to pronounce. 
• I'm not here with any big message except I'm seeking your help in understanding. 
• Obviously, I have a lot to learn and I'm here hoping for your help.

Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce; Heen, Sheila (2023). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most, 3rd ed. New York, NY: Penguin.